Life has been so hard lately. The Lord has been stripping me down and growing me. Boy does it hurt! He’s really used my kids these last several weeks to show me just how much I suck and how dependent I need to be on Him. I’ve completely lost patience, joy, and gratitude in my day-to-day life. Instead of focusing on “my kids are sinners just like me who need grace” I focus on “my kids are sinners who won’t straighten up and act the way that I want them to”. At the end of the day I throw a hissy fit out of frustration that I’ve said the same thing over and over again all day long, I’ve cleaned up the same messes time and time again, and my kids ate nothing but snacks all day because they refuse to eat their meals. I lose my temper and I take my kids for granted, it’s completely and totally heartbreaking.
I am so selfish and it’s hard to let go of my expectations for how our day should go or how my kids should behave. I’ve really struggled with giving my kids over to the Lord completely and I’ve realized that I struggled with this for a while now. I really feel like the Lord is teaching me that I can’t be everything for them, I can’t protect them from getting hurt or sick, and I can’t save them from their sins. There is nothing I can do to save them…that is a crappy and hard thing to learn! I need to give them over to the Lord and rely on His goodness and mercy to captivate their hearts and convict them of their sinful nature. He is God! Why am I so afraid? Because I am sinful and I don’t like being the one who’s not in control especially when it comes to my children. Mama bear = me! I’ll admit it! Stubborn to the max...
I know that I need to stop worrying about what other people think of my kid’s behavior and how we parent because honestly that just drives us into making all of the wrong decisions! That is such a selfish way to parent and it teaches our kids nothing of the Gospel and what knowing Christ really means. We need to be relying on the Holy Spirit to move in us and teach us what parenting looks like.
Lord please give me patience and love for my children. Allow them to see YOU in me and bring them to yourself. You are the only one who can save them and change their sinful hearts and I pray that you work in them. Work in my heart and soften it to the work that you’re doing and continue to grow me; mold me into who you want me to be and break me of my selfishness.